You know these past few weeks have really highlighted something in my life. This week I’ve been to the school and I have honestly never felt quite so broken in my life. In fact these past two days my heart is actually aching because I’ve discovered a big wound! Already I am seeing problems that have been in my life and I wanted to write this post because I find it very difficult to kind of express it and what’s going on inside me.
I have been round church for around about 20 years. 13 years I was at a church that was very religious, controlling, manipulative that preached hellfire and judgement, that we were to hang on by the skin of our teeth and we might barely make it to heaven! and it really damaged me as a person, I was five and was taught this till the age of eighteen and it really damaged the way that I viewed Father God. What is worse is that this church was run by family and I’ve seen the damage it is has done to so many within my family. It is not my family’s fault, it is the spirit of religion which I hate!
I’ve been carrying the load of church hurt with me since, which is not fun and not really well and truly dealt with it. I’ve only begun to see it now but it all kind of makes sense as hard as the sense is. I find it difficult to talk to people not because they’ve done something wrong but because I’m frightened that they will hurt me or that I will hurt them. I withhold love which is why I find it difficult to talk because in me there is a fountain of truth that if spoken out will set people free and catch them on Fire!
I went to a new church after, a Pentecostal church and the pastors there really saw I had something to preach and so I got to preaching on and off, I really remember the Holy Spirit really showing up in a great way one evening. I’d got to church, damaged my parents car, was really flustered by it all but got up anyhow. So they prayed and I got talking, I can’t remember what it was on, all I know is that it really touched people, we had tears, people falling on the floor it was insane evening and there was such a passion praise that really went out that night. I asked God what is that, I realised God has given me an ability to talk to His people, to empower them, to speak truth into there lives. It’s funny that I feel as If I am being sent to the very sector for which I’d endured much hurt. I see the results of religion, form without any love or any power. And I’ve realised Man I may speak with power but what I really lack is so much love. And that has been a very hard thing to try and get my head round and is primarily the reason I left church and all this because I didn’t recognise that I was loved.
I returned to church a year ago in July, since then I’ve met amazing people, who have just poured love and truth into me, I didn’t understand why, I didn’t understand half of what they meant, sometimes it was totally contradictory to how a I felt but it was what I’d always visualised of Jesus! Jesus does not let one escape His gaze. He travelled three days to raise a dead person. He healed all the sick! Hugged lepers who were considered as outcasts and unclean! Cast out all the demons! Hung out with all the least and lowest! If that isn’t love I don’t know what is! I’ve just realised my dire need for His love above anything else. The great need for His Love not merely on an intellectual level but heart felt. Perfect love casts out all fear. All rejection! All pain and all hurt! To be a free person! To be powerful! To be in love and do all in love!
I’ve spoken from my heart here and really described what is going on inside following first week at school and past few weeks.